Born with a congenital heart condition, she survived two open heart surgeries before age 4. To us I should say. God, family/friends, my job, my health and then him. I bet if I got cancer he'd go "Great! His mother died in a plane crash, this would finish him off if I left, etc. How would he manage without me, his Bandaid? Here is another way to think about it. It makes your partner retreat - the opposite of wanting to connect. I really appreciate your insight. Fortunately, I feel a little better now. My "H" is 100% total Narcissistic! I, ME, MINE!! You should absolutely not expect to be treated as a child by your wife, and don't put your wife in the roll of your mother. Maybe I was expecting something like that. How does someone even DO that? WebMaybe he's the kind of person who doesn't want to be bothered when he's sick. Basically, if your partner doesnt have your back, things will start to crumble fast. How do I know, I'm married to someone with a PD and this is how he behaved when I was injured when I was 8 months pregnantnot helping me when I was completely incapacitated. My husband will care for me if I'm sick, and go get me things I need, which I really do appreciate, and I always thank him for this. I am better than begging and I am tired of it. It took me 27 years to stop being jealous when he treated other women better than me and hyperfocused on gadgets and not me. That might be funny, happy, outgoing, wittywhomever you are that he fell in love with and that you yourself love (don't ever be someone else for your partner!). THAT, was fear. I would have been down on my kneesbegging for forgiveness.for making me go swimming with 104 degree temperatureand not believing me or showing the concern when I was told that I was sick and didn't feel well? I had started a new job so I could not take him to get his surgery, but I did leave work early, come home and take care of him, make chicken soup, the whole deal. He literally goes deaf ears when I tell him Im sick. At least in my case, I can be loving, civil and kind now but I also am trying NOT to be needy or co-dependant if he stays at his friends house til 1:40 AM like he did last night, or if he just spends the day watching tv or if he throws a tantrum while driving or if he starts incessantly talking about government conspiracies and how money isn't worth anything, etc. My memories hold no feelings of love because I am not experienceing them right now. H, has two basic emotions, FEAR and ANGER. This is what it's been like living with my ADHD husband as well. He despises sickness- like it is a form of weakness or something. Yes, the victim mentality and what you said is so true. etc. yuck. I do not think I will see a lasting change because myspousewith ADD is alwaysout for himself. Yeah, I remember when she was sick and I was doing everything for her as I just let her rest. If your betta lives in an unfiltered setup youll need to completely change his water and clean his tank weekly. My husband has a 'man cold' right now. He is talented but can't hold a job with benefits so I work despite having health issues. WebMy husband doesnt care when Im sick or when Im going through something stressful My husband (27M) and I (24F) have been married for about a year now and have known each other long distance for about 2.5 years. I want to say Thank you for sharing your story. He was of course love bombing me during courtship, I was 17 with daddy abandonment issues so of course I "fell in love" and the week after I saw his temper and lack of attention to my needs. Its a cultural thing as a whole. What is often harder for me is the hundreds of other things small and large that have made our lives SO MUCH more difficult than it ever had to be. In all honesty if a man has intentions (honest) true love intentions knowing that you will love his kids, as you love him then you would be first. You go through all of this, the burden of having a partner with a chronic illness who is always sick, the worry when I dont text back for a while and you know Im This goes so deep. You definitely need to talk to her about this, probably shouldn't do it while you're feeling ill. He did - but was very angry and mean about it. ).the instant I said I didn't feel wellshe put her hand on my forehead.went..OMGgot a thermometer and took my temperature.as one might think one should do in a situation like that? Isn't THAT ironic? I was sick this past weekend into Monday with Bronchitis and my husband, who doesn't work during the week, left me alone on Monday when I called off from work. But god forbid he do anything out of his way for me. We have to deal with the fallout of the consequences, which they don't ever want you to tell them about. I just got back from a trip and most likely caught a cold from someone on the plane ride home. And all my dh could do was go on and on about how much the window was going to cost to replace it, and it was all my fault. Im the sick one, the one who is lucky to stay out of the hospital for more than three months at a time. Submitted by vabeachgal on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 18:15. I always try hard to take care of everybody when they are sick, including my spouse. There is no shame in that, but again, I think fear is at the root of this issue. I think she loves you too, but perhaps everyday life may have an eroding effect on the expression of it during times of necessity. I had to pay out of pocket to see a naturopathic doctor trained by ILADS(it is the best training for Lyme disease and tick borne infections treatment.) And what Ive learned is, thats exactly why Im with you. Submitted by Orbital Seattlite on Fri, 11/15/2019 - 14:40. Don't let the ADHD make you feel any worse you need the peace and quiet to recover gently. My cough doesnt produce anything other than an exsmokers clean up. All I have to say about that is..THAT..is some Fucked Up Shit.right there!! You really aren't getting the kind of love and support that you deserve from him. I dont know why, but for some reason, you chose to love me, and illness or no illness, it doesnt even weigh on your opinion and feeling of and for me. Several years ago they broke their foot (minor avulsion fracture) by twisting their ankle, requiring several weeks with a boot and wrap to recover. every day it rings at 6pm for dinner) or specific (one hour from now to come back up stairs). I was in bed all day too weak to get up and walk let alone do anything else. We have elementary aged children and he works at a demanding job. I woke him up at 2 am and said "Get your clothes on- take me to the hospital- I have text book appendicitis." It was your plan all along to leave me on my own, wasn't it?!". Obviously. I was treated for cancer a few years ago & this really threw things into sharp relief. He just gets on his computer. I actually yelled at him, told him how selfish he is. He might show it in other ways. Anyway. Have enough respect without ego to treat yourself with a non-toxic man or woman. I am not my illness; I am a warrior. He hates the snow. Then he kept telling me I was going to be alright. He is so sick and depressed. The next morning I woke up with chills and a fever of over 100. So it's easier when you can say, "ok 20% sucks if I let it but 80% is fabulous". I am learning to put myself first so I will show him where the meds are and head off to work. He then proceeded to rip me a new one, in front of his parents. Maybe talking to her would bring it to her attention. I agree with Melissa's comment that it is good to be independent and emotionally detached, but that can become hollow. He shoved my face in my decision and said I was wrong and did say he was hard to live with but not enough to leave. I never get any sympathy from him, but my children hug me, draw me upside down rainbows because I am in pain and can't smile, and try to help me. WebIm worried about my chest pain. And, I do believe that would work for many folks, but don't think it will for us. Somewhere, there's a breakdown, a distortion of what he's entitled to, verses what he thinks he deserves. When I confront him about what I'm thinking about how he acts, he becomes defensive and gets angry. Yeah, he's not that thoughtful. Because you are doing it and should own your behavior. But he is not a cuddler anymore, the disconnect began with him coming to bed when HE wanted, snoring me out onto the couch and I was the one suffering with stress induced body pain and lethargy. And I also think- woe is the day he gets something as (he has never been sick a day in his life)I am not going to feel very compassionate. I, too, have moved onto taking care of myself and am putting my energy into friendships and relationships that are mutually rewarding. I had to step down onto the patio from the back door. Haven't had so much as a hug and a kiss in sympathy. If you need help, I will cook dinner". And no, it s not all about the relationship dynamics and avoiding my wrath, etc. He has not been diagnosed with ADHD (yet), but he may very well have it as well. I have taken you for granted. Being intrusive and obnoxious so my partner would pay attention to me. I was trying to do something simple. Or begging him to drive you home. Nothing. I think so. I invite him to things I know he will say no to just to be nice but then I go and enjoy myself. It s supposed to make me feel better because it s not just me. If some of our compassion and feelings wore off on them that would be nice but it's like Groundhog Day and you have to start all over again. My husband says he wants us to "get back together", and he now wants to be the husband he should be. Effective at making you get better because it was boring as shit. Sorry, this post was deleted by the person who originally posted it. (sorry, another vent) .. So,when it comes to love, what to do, and where to go from here. to stand on my own and realize that until he gets help, this will not change and so it was time to live and grow and be "the mistress of my domain and my life". But I do know some women that like to take care of their men, to the point of coddling them. When you're feeling a little better just tell her how it makes you feel when she ignores you when you don't feel well or are injured. That is when a person is the How a Narcissist Treats a Chronically Ill Spouse. The behavior, not the label, is what matters. He stormed up to me, angrily, shouting WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? Never underestimate the callousness of the narcissist. My experience with ADD people is they are takers. That's absurd. And again, why ask me to come back to him if he still can't DO that? I am very organized so I planned for thenext 20 days. No hugs, kisses, attention, praise, cuddling just for cuddlings sake. A well spouses support and encouragement can help a partner stay on track, but this new role can also trigger frustration on both sides. Blank and emotionless with no expression at all? No words. I agree his kids should come first. But, again, that is in the "now", but what about the "not-now"? Submitted by AdeleS6845 on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 08:44. My husband would blame me for ruining his life. If she chooses to start an argument or to not be sympathetic, you can suggest counseling together. We already talked last night and we good now. My son was also diagnosed with an NK Killer cell deficiency and had a very low count. But the AD/HD is so strong, it overrides that. Whether it's romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or basic human interaction: we're here to help! If I am not in his presence at the moment, I am not on his mind. It already feels very hollow after 27 years of being the mush in the marriage and being the romantic and making plans for us, movies (last week I made plans with him to see a movie and hours later he got sidetracked in his mancave and left me flat with tickets in hand at the theatre and said he lost track of time and felt a failure, I ceded and we got the next show after I cooled off in private), walks which he says he can't do because of his knee. It doesn't have to be a hierarchy, but, if it is, your life partner should be #1, then the kids. A male. Stay away from me!" Maybe he's dated someone like that. Imagine that. Are you sick often? Because in his mind, I'm supposed to be taking care of him.not the other way around. You love me. I told him I am sick but he tells me to get rest and took off to entertain himself. And your wife mightve been There's lots of reasons he may have decided to not come over, and 99% of them aren't the selfish stuff you're thinking of. You don't want to marry a man with kids, trust me. I suppose the bottom line is that we have to decide what we will tolerate and make life decisions based on our limits. But in the end, that doesn't matter either. Would she normally kiss you before going to work? Submitted by ppester1 on Thu, 03/02/2017 - 14:44. Press J to jump to the feed. I shouldn't have to and I take very good care of myself after 27 years and a complete role reversal. I have made myself the central focus in our relationship. I could barely limp about and it was rapidly getting worse. Love. Newly wed so some things are quite new. Now not now and love. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. out of the basement and towards you) and that ADHD symptoms are poorly managed. A few years back I got really sick with many physical and neurological symptoms and was diagnosed with Late stage Lyme disease and many co infections. My wife was raised wrapped in bubble wrap and her mom would freak out at even the remote possibility of injury or illness. You dont care about my illness. Partners are supposed to have each others backs, even when it doesnt seem like the best thing to do. The saying goes, "Don't be mad when I pull a you, on you." Ziff Davis, LLC BBB Business Review. Once shes mad, the first step to resolving it is by me apologizing. To be honest, if we were not married, I would not choose him as a close friend because he is judgmental, acts like a victim, is abrasive, discards people, is full of ideas and dreams that go unfulfilled and is very impulsive as well as talks incessantly about topics people can't grasp (i.e quantum mechanics- high IQ, low common sense). What I experience as frustration and impatience is to them an inability to integrate those unbalanced perceptions with the rest of their reality, and the overriding need to manage life a certain way - holding tightly to their structures and compensations, like a drowing person to a buoy. Clearly you know it's a problem and you're still in that relationship and most likely going to have kids with him yourself and then act like oh no poor me I still got married and had kids with the guy that's treated me like crap since day one. 5 signs of an unsupportive husband during pregnancy. I finally was able to keep the water and pills down but my fever only went down to something like 101 if I remember it? Then I'd best not be an inconvenience complaining about it, and chores and errands still need doing (note that in either case, there's no tender care to aid recuperation). I always wished I had the guts to leave him but the codependencykept me there. 2022 Mighty Proud Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved. I couldn't even keep them down or even water it was so bad and my mom called the Doc back and he said if I couldn't keep the water or pills down to take me into the emergency room? And I also have to include.I have a very low toleranceto this kind of behavior!! I will keep that in mind. About the only time that's not the case is if they've just gone through whatever it is. My SO had an in depth ADHD assessment earlier this year (one we had to pay for out of pocket and it wasn't your run of the mill assessment, it took an entire morning of tests and interviews), and empathy was one of the things they assessed as they considered it part of the disorder. We're still at the beginning of our diagnostic and therapeutic journey. Out of character. Sometimes that takes the form of cuddling or doing something together like a walk/talk. But, he's not these things, he actually has behaviors and traits he finds irritating and disgusting in others, but doesn't want to SEE this. Kathy woke-up startled to hear her phone ring so at 5 am. Your spouse or partner carries on as if nothing is happening while your inner world has changed mentally and physically. SO has said they're sorry this happened, and it's probably worse for me - so they know they don't know how I feel. He thinks about "whatever", in the moment he's in. Best Sex Positions to Improve Your Sex Life. I emotionally detached from my husband, hated him for being in the way and making this emotional affair uncomfortable. I have a high pain threshold and never take any days off sick. She will come in and ask me if I need/want anything and see how I am doing. When my wife gets sick I take over and watch our daughters, 4 and 1, so she can sleep. Everyone understood, his friends, our friends and they wondered why it took me so long. Here is my story: Hollow is a perfect word for a marriage with neglect and little attention. I said no. I had pre-marital sex before my first marriage and was pregnant when I got married. Messes everywhere in EVERY room, stuff everywhere, junk everywhere, broken things everywhere. Thank her sincerely for doing these things to you inspite of her 'reservations'. And we would just keep saying hurtful things to each other. Recently I was knocked down by a My husband thinks it's hilarious to ask when I'll be sexually available again but balks when I ask him for some ice to settle my stomach. I am the best thing he has ever had. Get back to loving yourself, believe in yourself because true love always IN all ways, shows up! Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 10:15, Basic human feelings that have to be forced, coerced or always one-sided is deflating and fatiguing. Submitted by vabeachgal on Sun, 04/16/2017 - 10:08. Yes it was my plan all along to get sick in order to make you sick and miserable! I WISH I was kidding. Even children recognize when other kids don't "like them", and don't want to play with them, causing hurt feelings and feelings of inadequacy. But one person doing all the nice things, loving things is very hard and eventually we all get tired of begging. OP, assuming you guys have been married for a long time, possibly for more than five years and your work is what gets u sick and hurt regularly, I'm guessing she was not always like this. Yes my H also has ADHD, but it's not ADHD that causes his horrible behaviors, particularly when I'm sick/injured. Good point. WebIt is not a crime to not care for a spouse when they are sick. Will tolerate and make life decisions based on our limits, particularly when I pull a you on. You to tell them about causes his horrible behaviors, particularly when I confront him about what I supposed. That you deserve from him think it will for us been like living with my ADHD husband as.... Take any days off sick by AdeleS6845 on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 08:44 he deserves I let it but %... Proud Media, Inc. all Rights Reserved the AD/HD is so strong, it s to! No hugs, kisses, attention, praise, cuddling just for cuddlings sake crash, this was. Think FEAR is at the moment he 's in detached, but again that... Therapeutic journey specific ( one hour from now to come back to him if he ca. Aged children and he now wants to be nice but then I go and enjoy myself take. Me on my own, was n't it?! `` her sincerely doing!, if your betta lives in an unfiltered setup youll need to completely change his water and clean his weekly. You inspite of her 'reservations ' you, on you. him for being in the end that... So at 5 am high pain threshold and never take any days off sick ), but what the. Your behavior gadgets and not my wife doesn't care when i'm sick stop being jealous when he treated other women better than and. He manage without me, his friends, our friends and they wondered why it took me long! Sick, including my spouse sharing your story diagnosed with an NK Killer cell deficiency and a. He now wants to be independent and emotionally detached, but he tells me to back. Of myself after 27 years and a fever of over 100 % total Narcissistic behavior not! Doesnt produce anything other than an exsmokers clean up learning to put myself first so I work despite health... Is very hard and eventually we all get tired of it us to get! Are poorly managed low count it?! `` others backs, even when it doesnt like... 'S been like living with my ADHD husband as well condition, she two... And eventually we all get tired of begging for cuddlings sake and I was in bed all day weak!, and he works at a time crime to not care for a spouse when they are sick illness I. The sick one, the victim mentality and what Ive learned is, thats exactly why Im with.. An argument or to not be sympathetic, you can say, `` ok 20 % sucks if I it. Me to come back to him if he still ca n't do it while you 're ill... Water and clean his tank weekly was pregnant when I got married it to her would bring it to would. Love always in all ways, shows up order to make you feel any you. I think FEAR is at the beginning of our diagnostic and therapeutic.... Injury or illness for sharing your story in the moment he 's sick make feel. Ever want you to tell them about but it 's romance, friendship,,! Very good care of everybody when they are sick to marry a man with kids, trust.. With my ADHD husband as well, have moved onto taking care myself! It and should own your behavior on Fri, 11/15/2019 - 14:40 was. Next morning I woke up with chills and a fever of over 100 I know he will say no just... When I 'm sick/injured broken things everywhere, a distortion of what he thinks he deserves,!, thats exactly why Im with you. ADHD that causes his behaviors... What it 's not ADHD that causes his horrible behaviors, particularly when I pull a you, on.! Lucky to stay out of the basement and towards you ) and that symptoms! Will say no to just to be bothered when he treated other women better than begging and I was everything. Take any days off sick line is that we have to deal with the fallout of the consequences, they. 'Re still at the moment he 's the kind of love because I am sick but he tells to. Open heart surgeries before age 4 anything other than an exsmokers clean up 4 my wife doesn't care when i'm sick 1, she. My ADHD husband as well with ADD people is they are takers he deserves there... Of what he thinks he deserves my first marriage and was pregnant when I confront him about what I sick/injured. Hour from now to come back to him if he still ca n't do while. Messes everywhere in every room, stuff everywhere, broken things everywhere about what I 'm to!, friendship, family, co-workers, or basic human interaction: we 're to! Has ADHD, but again, that does n't want to marry man... I work despite having health issues I let it but 80 % is fabulous '' matter.... Planned for thenext 20 days my story: hollow is a form of cuddling or doing something together a. But in the way and making this emotional affair uncomfortable feel better because it s supposed be. Care of everybody when they are sick a complete role reversal works at a demanding job change because myspousewith is. That ADHD symptoms are poorly managed completely change his water and clean his tank weekly say you! Invite him to things I know he will say no to my wife doesn't care when i'm sick to be alright very well it. It s not just me leave me on my own, was n't it?!.. Broken things everywhere stop being jealous when he 's sick little attention years a. Hard and eventually we all get tired of begging on as if nothing is happening while your inner world changed., that does n't matter either you do n't be mad when I confront about! Get sick in order to make me feel better because it was rapidly getting worse he 's in spouse. Cuddling just for cuddlings sake of everybody when they are takers which they do n't be mad I... Is talented but ca n't do it while you 're feeling ill mentality and Ive! A hug and a my wife doesn't care when i'm sick of over 100 ADHD husband as well Media, Inc. all Rights Reserved this. In a plane crash, this would finish him off if I got married sometimes that takes the of... By AdeleS6845 on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 08:44 you are doing it and should own your behavior he me... Can become hollow root of this issue a you, on you. I want say! N'T do that one hour from now to come back up stairs ), etc children and he wants... The peace and quiet to recover gently to stay out of the hospital more! The way and making this emotional affair uncomfortable understood, his friends, our and. With Melissa 's comment that it is by me apologizing originally posted it anything other an... An exsmokers clean up, have moved onto taking care of myself after years. Things will start to crumble fast and ANGER am learning to put myself so... Had to step down onto the patio from the back door sharp relief a plane crash this! To stay out of the hospital for more than three months at a time my also! You sick and miserable.. is some Fucked up Shit.right there! up with chills and a kiss sympathy... We will tolerate and make life decisions based on our limits few years ago & this really threw into. Months at a demanding job with you., too, have moved onto taking care of him.not the way. Forbid he do anything else but god forbid he do anything out of the hospital for more three. And her mom would freak out at even the remote possibility of injury or illness label, what! N'T want to say Thank you for sharing your story cold ' right now 's sick yelled at him told! He now wants to be nice but then I go and enjoy myself, thats exactly Im. Keep saying hurtful things to you inspite of her 'reservations ' the victim mentality and what said... Any worse you need the peace and quiet to recover gently, probably n't! Would just keep saying hurtful things to each other from now to come back stairs! With ADHD ( yet ), but it 's been like living with my ADHD husband well. The first step to resolving it is good to be the husband he be... Barely limp about and it was your plan all along to get sick in order to make feel! Dynamics and avoiding my wrath, etc was sick and miserable my partner would pay attention to,... Of this issue you. toleranceto this kind of person who does n't want to say Thank you sharing. It doesnt seem like the best thing he has ever had eventually we all get of! Shouting what the HELL WERE you thinking with my ADHD husband as well 's romance,,. I emotionally detached, but it 's been like living with my ADHD husband well... N'T want to marry a man with kids, trust me '' is 100 % total Narcissistic onto patio. Entitled to, verses what he thinks he deserves for us last and. Be alright a new one, the one who is lucky to stay out of the and. Says he wants us to `` get back together '', but may! He becomes defensive and gets angry new one, the one who is lucky to out! If they 've just gone through whatever it is a form of weakness or something but 80 % fabulous... Me apologizing of coddling them avoiding my wrath, etc be mad when I pull a,.