It can sometimes be really helpful to challenge yourself, whether thats to exercise more or read more or keep things cleaner around the house. I spent 10 years in this same spot eventually he broke up with me because I was not trying hard enough to evolve as a person. Its only been 8 months since that happened, but I havent been this happy in years. But for the rest, I run into a quandary of wanting to help, because it tears me up to see her in the added misery that her self-destructive habits cause her, but not wanting to add to her misery myself by harassing her or taking away her agency to run her own life. Make sure that he has an end game in mind and that he is willing to fight for you as you are for him. You are not the only one. It says hes putting himself and his comfort ahead of your joint comfort together, and also your personal comfort and enjoyment of your own life. A few weeks ago I started to notice that, well, he kind of smelled bad. You cant have every day be a rest day otherwise youre not actually exercising, but they are needed or you burn out and get injured or sick. Knowing why he stopped making an effort will help you in making the right decision. I grew up with people who were allergic to being encouraging. Knowing that fucking up around him was something forgivable (or something which didnt need forgiving) meant I felt braver about trying new things because failing wasnt so terrible an outcome. LW, you are already doing so much good stuff for yourself, and at your own pace. It can be hard to stop caring, even when someone has done nothing but bring you down. If what he says pisses you off, take it as a good sign that your self-respect and self-preservation instincts are waking up and working. Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. For over a decade, we've been at the bleeding edge of media, pioneering an infrastructure for creatives to flourish both artistically and financially. The difference between this dude and the dudes I know, though, is that when the dudes I know were told to stuff a sock in it because they were coming across all doomy and demanding, they did. Run. He took this as a personality defect that he had to badger me into fixing. He used to love calling you his girlfriend, he never missed an opportunity to flaunt you off as if everyone was supposed to know that this time its serious. I hope Im wrong, but LW, I think your boyfriend would do the exact same thing. 5 Be Friendly Some exes are best handled by treating them in a friendly manner. and exercise a few years ago. Thing is, Ive been dealing with depression, anxiety, and etc for a few years now and Im JUST NOW to the point where doing even X is a major accomplishment. When your boyfriend stops calling the first thing you should determine is whether you did something that may have gotten him upset. I feel like you are in some way owning your low moods and that makes me glad. I certainly noticed the drop in my fitness when I moved cities to a place where I could no longer walk to work every day. I didnt do it for you. Dont be accusatory or judgmental when you do this. Which in turn meant that every time he took me to a surprise, he could justify it by saying that I always had fun so I just needed to trust him. Oh wow. Sometimes its nice to have a gentle push towards a sincerely held goal, but getting mad at you for not meeting some standards that he made up? One of the surest ways to find out why he stopped putting in the work is by asking him. And if you have depression??? Even after I told him I wasnt interested in doing that, hed bring it up ad naseum. It sounds as though its not simply a case of dump him, because that can be hard, especially when youre trying to sustain a healing process. If he doesnt like and love the you he lives with now, hes not worthy of the brave person who is you. Listen to his response and try to . LW, has your boyfriend ever really articulated as in, clearly stated and put down in a measurable fashion what his goals for you are? Poetry of Nope is my new favourite phrase! Ugh, people who think their duty to hound you into achieving your potential is more important than your need to be listened to when you say you dont like that and they should stop! Also, are his goals for you actually about you or are they all about him? 3. Some people even go on partial social media detox by simply using them for messaging, on the other hand avoiding watching people's stories. Maybe it's been a day, or days, or even weeks. They are not partner micro-managing tools. Ok its possible I need a fix of both Buffy and chocolate chip cookies. I dont think all relationships that arent in it for better or for worse and in sickness or in health are bad, but I do think that makes it a more casual relationship and one you shouldnt rely on. If you are experiencing some or all of the following signs, it could be that your boyfriend has stopped making an effort: Your conversations are brief, and he doesnt appear to be as interested in your life anymore. Hi LW I havent read through the comments yet, so maybe this has been covered (probably it has, the Awkwardeers are brilliant), but I couldnt not weigh in on this because I have been where you are and it sucks, and now I am somewhere else where it sucks a whole lot less, so if you dont mind, perhaps a view from the other side would be helpful? So even when your partner needs you all the time, you get to take time and space for yourself. OK, clearly Im not making you happy here, what with my not exercising right and not eating well enough and doing the dishes as frequently as you like. We broke up, but were still friends today, and he honestly tried his best. Even if improvement is made, it wont be enough to him, and he can still be in charge. He was trying to help in similarly pushy ways. LW, whatever you chose to do today is enough. Is it because youve neglected a task you said youd do? Does he want you not to be depressed because it would be a good thing for your mental health and stability or does he want A Girlfriend Who Doesnt Act Depressed All The Time because that would be more comfortable for him? LW you got this. Nothing is more guaranteed to ensure recovery than someone making you promise that youll never cut/pick/pull again, then berating you and doing the whole sadface But you pwomised! act, and acting like youd just murdered a dozen puppies. What did you just say to me? Sort of like how talking about What A Good Time Were Having is a sign that we are having a terrible time. He says that he still loves me even if I dont do these things (but it doesnt feel that way to me). Thats such an underhand control technique, as is the not-so-subtle belittling that happens in the guise of help.. Ew, gross. Flags everywhere! Id make it simpler still: Feeling bad when you are in a stressful situation doesnt make you bad, it makes you normal. You've forgotten your dreams. *cough* Nah, it just made me more sneaky and creative, what were they going to do, strip search me? What does your therapist say about the way your boyfriend tries to continually act as your self-appointed monitor/life coach? If your partner loves you, then he'll be open to working on them with you. It could be as simple as he just no longer feels like being around you, which means there isnt much motivation for making an effort either. Exactly. If Im down in the dumps, a few minutes skipping rope can make me feel better as can a cup of ginger tea instead of reaching for a soda BUT these are temporary fixes and no substitute for dealing with the real issues. He is sorry he didnt call, doesnt have time, or that you never see him anymore. Be sure to keep the tone of the conversation as calm and neutral as possible if you cant manage this then perhaps consider having a friend mediate for you until both of you are able to talk without getting too emotional about things. Except theyre not actually asking YOU whats best for you. Or is he expecting you to just bootstrap your way to optimal nutrition and well being? He just got bored, moved country and started again without divorcing. Towards the end of our relationship, he became toxic, rude, and lazy. Theres also the fact that you are depressed, at least for now (although congrats on making what sounds like a lot of progress toward improvement). (I dont think its as uncommon as people would have you think.). He thought (for a couple of reasons) that it was a scam (as did my Dad who lent me the money to go to the course). It was this one: https://captainawkward.com/2013/01/05/429-430-when-depression-is-contagious/. It seems like his help is nothing more than poorly disguised undermining of you. And I am proud of him for taking a step toward being healthier. 15 Signs He Has Stopped Making an Effort If you are experiencing some or all of the following signs, it could be that your boyfriend has stopped making an effort: 1. Its not a cure; its a coping skill. So hes trying to use your own recovery to manipulate you youre not just exercising because you want to, youre exercising because HE wants you to in the way he wants. Right now it feels like youre breaking up because youre not good enough for him, but in a very short while, it will become evident that youre breaking up because hes not good enough for you. Youre going to hear things like thats the most ridiculous thing Ive ever heard. Youre going to hear back all the times youve expressed vulnerability or dissatisfaction with your life as proof that you cant possibly make decisions about anything. I did not fail. Ive been gone for a week, and Im not going to believe you if you tell me you ate healthy isnt about keeping score at all. Youll never get toned if you slacken off like that! You: NOT YOUR CALL. I dont think relationships where somebody tries to mold you into their vision of you are a good thing. Please dont give me advice unless I ask you directly.. And you know what? When youre happy and interesting, youll find yourself meeting new people and having the opportunity to explore all kinds of different relationships not just romantic ones! What good is texting someone if youre not really building any kind of connection with them or meeting up in person to have real conversations about something other than how their day was or what they had for lunch? This was my college boyfriend in a nutshell. This is not a democracy. Good luck LW, positive thoughts your way! Sorry, it posted before I was done. I wasnt being adventurous enoughby knowing for myself what I wanted to drink. 7 Strategies You Can Use To Make Him Fall In LoveEven If He Has Started To Pull Away! ME. I am so glad you realize that they are NOT your due. But its still a good idea to evaluate your relationship and whether your Dude is amenable to changing his behaviour when youve expressed a desire for him to Quit Doing That Thing, and what that might mean about how much he respects you. (Female ones personally, I havent found this phenomenon to be in any way gendered. You need to sit down (maybe with your therapist) and make an objective list of all the nice things he is, versus all the things that are hurting you. Hi all, My boyfriend and I have been going out now little over 2yrs, we've had our ups and downs but through it all we've stuck together but the last few months he has focused all his attention and efforts into his car and job, and I've no problem with it as long as he can still make a bit time for me even if its jus a call in the eveing or a text like I fully support him with everything . Whatever you chose to do, strip search me like how talking what... Seems like his help is nothing more than poorly disguised undermining of you are already doing so good... Continually act as your self-appointed monitor/life coach simpler still: Feeling bad when you are good. Ve forgotten your dreams work is by asking him wasnt interested in doing that, well, kind... You chose to do today is enough you should determine is whether did... 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